Season 8: Final Three...It's Not Over

I am so over American Idol right now that it's not even funny....blasted American Idol Pool! If it wasn't for all of my millions of adoring fans and followers I would have officially given up on Idol for this season. But alas, the masses demand my American Idol attention, and so like Seacrest, I will continue to be here like a lovable and loyal puppy....with a great tan.

The Final 3 episode of each season of American Idol has always consisted of ample footage of hometown visits complete with screaming girls, elementary school teachers receiving flowers, and contestants tearing up with sentimentality for their respective hometown crowds. However, season 8 brought on the addition of yet another blabber mouth judge who says everything and nothing all at once. And the addition of more talky talky means the exclusion of the heart-warming first glimpse of stardom we have all grown to love. In previous seasons, the final 3 episode also included 3 performances by each contestant. But I suppose America must want to see more of Simon and Paula playing patty cake while Randy examines his cardigan sweater and practices his "for me, for you's", and Kara screams at the top of her lungs like the baby sister nobody pays attention to...yeah, I'd rather see that than 3 extra performances.

Bonus Question: What landmark did American Idol reach with tonight's show?

Danny Gokey - Dance Little Sister. Has anyone heard this song before? I actually have a Terrence Trent D'Arby song on my iPod, his "Wishing Well" was one of my favorites as a child in the late 80s/early 90s. But I had never heard of this song. What a peculiar song choice. And Danny didn't disappoint us by shaving off his faux beard. I think he borrowed it from George Michael circa 1987, but it's not really about the beard, I suppose. Danny started the song sounding like a mountain lion devouring the lyrics of this inspirational/creepy ballad. After the angry growling portion of the song had subsided, Danny--in true Danny form--began to sound very screamy, and eventually evolved into a one-note wonder by the end. Woops! The camera guy dropped his camera...Danny must have startled him with his second consecutive week of skatting. And as if all of that wasn't enough, Danny delighted all of America once again with his incredible dance moves. He looked like a pigeon on the sidewalk searching for breadcrumbs (that statement says it all). I did not particularly enjoy this performance, or the obnoxious horn section that came along with it...but anything is a vast improvement over last week's "Dream On" catastrophic massacre. Rating: 6

And then the American viewing public was gifted with a wonderfully entertaining cat fight between Paula and Kara over whether Danny's dance moves were horrible or great. Kara was right on this one, guys...he sucked. However, in order to resolve the conflicts in this dysfunctional family, I think a good old-fashioned dance-off is required.

After the choreography fight between Paula and Kara, Danny's response was that "I am not an in-sync person". However, I would argue that he may not be an "in sync" person, but he is most definitely an "*NSYNC" person. He could have easily been the 6th member....he could have even replaced that Chris guy that nobody liked...

Kris Allen - Too Late to Pologize. Kris got to sing my least favorite song EVER tonight. First, of all, did anybody notice that Kris was wearing blue nail polish on his thumb during his hometown visit? Perhaps a mathematically and historically challenged judge who shall remain nameless has advised him to "dirty it up" a little....just a thought. I noticed during his visit to Arkansas that Kris had a southern accent....did he always have it and I just never realized? Or is this something that only comes over him when he's in his home state? I'm curious about this. Personally, I thought it was a smart decision for Kris to choose to accompany himself on the piano rather than working the stage. He needed to get back to his roots of doing a simple and understated performance. I thought Kris sounded very good during his performance of this horrendously annoying song (I liken it to leprosy). I did get a little bored, but it wasn't really Kris's fault that he had such a schlumpy song to work with. Rating: 7

I'm sorry, but I need to make a brief pause in the blog to inform you that I think these judges are so full of crap! I almost cussed them tonight (almost)...and I was watching by myself so I didn't have anyone with whom I could share my frustrations. It was tough.

Randy Jackson, in his infinite wisdom and never-ending vocabulary managed to give Kris a critique without ever giving him a rat's chance in a sewer to win. And then Kara completely threw Kris under the bus when she blamed him for not changing up the song SHE CHOSE! If I were a contestant on American Idol (and believe me, I've already won the show in my own mind), I would want to oblige the judges by performing the song they had spent copious hours and energy selecting specifically for me (translate: Randy and/or Kara had their personal assistant put their iPod on "shuffle" and chose the first song that came up). It would be important for me to stay true to the original since the judges are supposed to think that this particular song is one that fits into my own musical stylings and...dare I say, artistry.

In other news we all saw coming, the judging panel (as well as myself and the rest of America) has turned on Kara DioGuardi and her space-aged shoulder pads. They're gunning for her to leave. Except for Randy, of course, who is either oblivious to the soap opera unfolding before his very eyes (highly likely), or wants to keep Kara around because she parrots everything he says and (in his own mind) makes him seem like he has half an ounce of credibility.

Whew! This is gonna be a long blog tonight...sorry!

Bonus Question: Which ousted Season 8 contestant has been used all season in a commercial for AmericanIdol.com?

Adam Lambert - One. I'll be honest with you, my friends. I'm not much of a U2 buff. I like a few of their songs, but I wouldn't say I'm generally familiar with their catalog. I know this is one of their more popular songs, but I don't think I've ever heard it before. I did note, however, that Adam's double ear monitors made him look uncannily like Spock from Star Trek...or is it Spoc? Clearly, I'm not a Trekkie, either. I thought Adam sounded very good with this song, actually his voice sounded like a large woman singing in a gospel choir. That's a strange marriage between the look and the voice, but judging by the throngs of fans, I suppose it works for him. I was not digging the denim on denim ensemble he was donning for this performance, but I will say that Round 1 definitely went to Adam. Rating: 8

Bonus Question: Why did Adam encourage America to "rewind the tape" to listen to his performance of "One" again?

You know, I'm not a Mac person, but I really think those Mac vs. PC commercials are one of the most successful marketing campaigns ever! Those commercials are funny.

Hokey Pokey Gokey - You Are So Beautiful. How did I know that Danny was going to choose a sappy, inspirational ballad? Here is how Danny's first lyric sounded, "Hyou ahre soh bheautifuhl"...someone's been taking enunciation lessons from Ms. Iraheta, huh? She had a penchant for adding in a slew of extra h's to all of her songs....but America wrongly gave Allison the boot last week, and so I will not discuss her anymore (although, you will receive 10 extra bonus points if you answer one of your questions in the syling of Allison--by adding extra h's to your words--in honor of the woman who should have won). Just when I was getting ready to write "too much" in my notebook, I received an important phone call, and so my dedicated readers and Gokey fan(s), I will spare you--and him--my normal tongue lashing. It would not be fair for me to critique someone's performance if I didn't give them my attention to listen to it in the first place (although, Cowell does it and gets paid 36 million a season).

Bonus Question: How much money did Ryan Seacrest say Idol Gives Back has raise thus far?

Kris Allen: Heartless. What the?!?! Kris should receive the American Idol crown already just based on making the most daring and unpredictable song choice ever! When Kris started singing I was secretly crossing my fingers and hoping that he would not be using the dreaded AutoTune mic to sing his song (a la Kanye). I knew deep down inside of my soul that Kris would never dream of such a monstrosity, and my anxieties were eased as soon as Kris completed his first phrase. Wow. I didn't know what this song was actually supposed to sound like when someone, a human being with vocal cords, sang it. While I think Kanye's lyrical and remedial rhyming skills could use some assistance (see below), I felt like Kris did an amazing job with this song.

How could you be so cold?
As the winter wind when it breeze, yo
Just remember that you talkin' to me, though
You need to watch the way you talkin' to me, though

Now, I could dissect this deep and thought-provoking lyric, and point out all of the illegal rhymes in this particular phrase, but I'm running short on time and long on blog, so I'm going to opt out. But please know that it bothers me to the fullest.

I think the acoustic guitar and the heartfelt vibe with which Kris interpreted this song were nothing short of brilliant. I've never been nuts over Kris throughout this entire season, but he made a fan of me tonight with that one performance. This performance was imaginative, inventive, and surprising. I hope it serves as a catalyst to bring Kris to the forefront of the competition now because he deserves it. I would even say that this is one of the best performances of all time on Idol. Rating: 10 (I'm not even sure I gave a "10" to David C. Cook last season for any of his performances).

Please allow me another brief pause to discuss the "weightedness" of this competition. First of all, Kara continued to defend her earlier statement about Kris's "Pologize" performance rather than giving him the credit he deserved for completely remaking that Kanye West song. And next, Ryan stood on the stage and gave Kris a handshake and told him, "It's been a great season"....are you bleeping kidding me? It was as if Ryan was already telling America that this would be Kris's last performance on the show. That is disgusting to me, and the Idol people should be ashamed of themselves. I'm wagging my proverbial finger at them right now (it's a proverbial finger because it's difficult to wag your real finger while you're typing).

Adam Lambert - Cryin'. I was fairly confident that Adam was going to choose either a Queen song or an Aerosmith song for tonight, I will say that I was leaning more toward Queen, but I did have several Aerosmith songs on my song predictions list. I thought the beginning of the song sounded great. Adam's voice sounds good when he's singing like a man (I realize this phrase might offend some people, but I've been typing for over an hour now and I don't honestly care at this point). I thought this performance from Adam was okay at best. I mean, yeah, he can perform the crap out of a song and entertain the masses. But I thought his voice got a little shrieky in some parts, and it was especially accented by that awful background vocalist they had working with him. She made my ears bleed. I thought this performance seemed ingenuine, really. Adam wasn't connected to the song, and he even messed up the lyrics at the end (only a true Aerosmith fan would have noticed this...especially if said Aerosmith fan uses iTunes in their office on a daily basis and although it's on "shuffle", it consistently plays the same songs every day and one of those songs is "Cryin'"). Rating: 7


In a perfect world, Adam would have been standing in Kris's shadow after that performance. But a perfect world we do not live in right now my friends, and Adam was treated with an extra dose of pimping from Simon Cowell. Now, please understand that I am fully aware that the judges are not providing actual opinions throughout the majority of the American Idol season. They are spoon fed various lines and quips and critiques to hand out to the contestants depending on the producers' desire about this contestant's fate. However, I think there should be an official rule against the judges blatantly urging America to vote for a specific contestant. That is stupid! Do we watch the show for the judges to tell us who we should vote for? Oh, I am mad now!

Bonus Question: Did Randy boo Simon at any point during Tuesday's show?

Just like last week, you will receive extra points depending on how quickly you answer the bonus questions. But please remember, that your answers don't count until you have answered all of the questions completely. Here is how the scoring will work:

1st person - 20 points
2nd person - 15 points
3rd person - 10 points
4th person - 5 points